Dear those who feel lost amidst the abyss of emptiness,
‘Child Loss’ – the two words we all feel shake us to our very soul!
I have lost count of how many people have told me as their therapist over the years; of how they was avoiding others in the streets, at the doctors or in the supermarket isles – avoiding to lock eyes with any known Face that might recognise them and have the awkward blatant ‘oh I did not see you or recognise you look’ as they quickly turn and walk away – all to avoid conversing to the woman who they knew had just lost a child ..lost a pregnancy…lost a dream of becoming a mother and holding her child nestled in her arms to comfort and love till eternity. Well this love still continues till eternity for even the lost little souls that did not quite manage it into this duniya(world). Those of our families, friends and colleagues who avoid the mothers or fathers who lost a child; do so out of fear of not knowing what to do or say to someone who has miscarried?! In the West there are many reasons for this awkward communication exchange or fear of talking about death – which slowly is changing somewhat over the last couple of years as we see many death café’s being setup to talk about the very sensitive and fearful subject of DEATH.
One reason amongst many in particular within the South Asian communities; is also cultural taboo subject of the ‘the shadow’ or ‘pershawaa’ which is believed to affect the woman and to have caused the miscarriage in the first instance. It is thought that any single or married woman coming nto contact with a woman whom has lost her child through miscarriage; would pass this shadow on! So if you are expecting you could also lose your child if you went near such a woman. This bereaved woman is labelled, burdened, isolated and advised to stay indoors till her 40day post loss bleed stops. None of this is from the Quran or Sunnah within the religion Islam. On the contrary we are encouraged to comfort and support the bereaved for there is much reward to be sought from Allah swt in going to the aid of the sick and bereaved. Furthermore, it is believed and said in the Quran and hadith that suffering of any physical or emotional state is a state of purification, an elevation to be more closer to GOD Allah swt. The’peshawaa’ cultural belief is believed to have been carried over from the Indian subcontinent and is deemed to be part of the – Hindu beliefs system.
Remember that sickness expiates evil deeds and wipes out sins
Abu Hurairah narrates that the Prophet, peace be upon him, said:
“When Allah wants to be good to someone, He tries him with some hardship.”
Abu Hurairah also reports that Allah’s Messenger, peace be upon him, said:
“For every misfortune, illness, anxiety, grief, or hurt that afflicts a Muslim
-even the hurt caused by the pricking of a thorn – Allah removes some of his sins.”
Some practical suggestions for all who come to know of any of their loved ones or associates who lose a child; to please don’t avoid them – reach out and acknowledge their pain in these simple ways where possible;
- Give greetings or salutations when seeing each other
- Embrace for physical contact is greatly effective in comforting someone – of course ask if they would like a hug?
- Sit and comfort in silence, sometimes just having someone sit with you is all that is needed
- Acknowledge their loss, sadness and grief – let them cry, shout, be angry – if that is what it takes for them to release the pressure that is built inside from all the hurt.
As for all my dear sisters and those mothers who have sadly experienced a loss of a child – this loss is like no other loss for it takes with it not just a big part of YOU from your present but also what was anticipated for the future and will for ever become a big piece of your past moving forward. How does one explain the hurt that is; physical, emotional and spiritual that comes with the trauma of losing a child be it miscarriage or post birth at any stage? The answer is sadly you cannot fully ever explain as it is something only felt in the depths of your womb and to your core. I once heard a client ‘howl’ with the deepest most core shaking sound I had ever heard and you know what I recognised that sound – for I had sadly experienced this myself. When words fail; the emptiness inside of us speaks for itself it seems – for it too yearned to be held, to be loved in this life.
I would like all ladies who sadly experience child loss to try and remember the following to help you through this difficult time;
- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
- Be kind to yourself – get support from GP, midwives, counselling or family and friends when needed
- Self-Care is very important and don’t feel guilty to do things just for you to feel better
- It is okay to laugh again and be happy when you feel like it – there is no time limit or restriction to grief
- Be prepared to be hit on anniversaries and due dates – take steps to arrange alternative activities on those days; be with family and friends and keep safe emotionally
- Surround yourself with love and people who genuinely will comfort and keep you safe during this emotional vulnerable time.
I hope to have given some valuable advice and some insight into what a dark and lonely place child loss trauma can feel like and thank you to all who took time to read this.
Stay blessed,
Yours sincerely
Ansa E Ahmed
