Dear friends
In all my years of working within the South Asian -mainly Pakistani client base I have come to acknowledge and found resonance in how the reality of losing the ability to have biological children or struggling to conceive them can be earth shattering from a very real cultural expectation and religious duty.
One example of this could be a female from Pakistani origin; whom whilst undergoing fertility investigations – discovers cancer of her womb lining and in consequence of this would have to have a hysterectomy! This young woman would now be left in absolute turmoil and despair as she faces her reality of not ever having children of her own and her marriage feeling insecure; due to the pressures and expectations of her husband whom is fertile would also feel pressured by his own family to marry again to have children of his own.
This is a bridge once crossed by myself and the real raw emotions of being pulled in two directions – one of the heart and not wanting to let go of the one man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with – not sharing him. On the other side you feel a duty spiritually and culturally to set free the man to marry again for his lineage to continue.
I feel I must recognise and acknowledge that being here in the West at least we ‘barren’ women have some protection within the law to enable the man to only be married officially to one woman at a time – however in Pakistan this is not the case as is found in many practicing multiple marriages at the same time. ~The woman almost left feeling that she is inadequate as a female life partner; as she can no longer bare him children or is having difficulties in doing so and actually is deemed not worthy of an opinion, as the cultural belief is that he does not need to seek permission either to remarry! what happens to the love between the couple? where have those vows and promises gone…of protection, of provision and of support and comfort when we are broken!
For all my male readers; please know that I know and have heard of many men whom do not give into this cultural pressure and actually do wonderfully in supporting their woman in this kind of loss/es and even have seen them grief stricken themselves for what was also their dreams shattering alongside.
This particular particular example given strikes me and stays with me as the female would not only have had lost her dreams of being a mum but also her identity as a woman, as I imagine she would feel having all of her reproductive organs removed – leaving her incomplete…
Thoughts come to mind in what is the cultural benefit of such beliefs for emotionally, physically and mentally broken down women such as these? Why is it not recognised culturally that in Islam men are to marry women for their companionship- not just the ‘maid’, ‘cook’ or ‘child machine’. It is soul destroying that in the cultural recognition of a woman and only ‘worth’ put on a married woman is how many children she can give to the mans lineage.
I hope and pray that women and couples whom struggle with such life changing events do seek help from professionals like me; who can help them in their emotional healing journey and provide vital educational and faith based information to give them clarity on their rights and empower them to feel worthy again.
”life is a gift and all encompassed within it a gift also – to remain grateful in all we have or have taken away from us – is the test. To be emotional and show grief at loss is also a gift of being a human”
Be kind to yourself and to others in the hidden or explicit loss.
yours sincerely
Ansa
